A nice guys lament

And why they'll (we'll) never, never, never score 

This is dedicated to all the "Nice Guys" who never get anything more from
girls than a river of tears.. 

Ladies, we need to talk. We're the nice guys, the guy friends you turn
to when the hottie from South Quad shatters your sophomore heart all over
the Theta Xi dance floor, when "boys suck" or when he doesn't understand
that living in different area codes does not constitute cheating. We've
dried your tears, listened to you whine and told you it was all going to
be ok. Well, we're done fitting the "Nice Guys Finish Last" stereotype.
We've gotten together and decided on a few things: 

First, we are sick and tired of listening to you cry, and simultaneously
losing out in the girl department. How many times have we listened to you
mope about finding "a nice boy who will treat me with respect," when we're
standing here in front of you? Oh yeah, that's right, because you wouldn't
want to "mess things up." That's the biggest bunch of crap we've ever
heard. Maybe if we were as muscled and refined as Mr. Frat Boy, you'd give
us a second look. Well, you know what, missy? Not all of life is like a
soap opera. How long do you expect us just to sit here and listen to your
life tragedies and not fall for you? Are you that blind? We are sick of
being just another "girl" friend. 

Secondly, cut the crap. We know what you mean; if you want us to go away
for a while, tell us so. Don't lie and say it's "girl's night out." This
is crap, because the minute you see a hot guy, you're suddenly "on the
prowl." At least we guys are straightforward: we're either "on the prowl"
or playing poker; those are our two modes. Also, if you don't like us, say
so. None of this "Let's just be really good friends" malarkey; this
translates from girl language to, "I'm sorry, but you're just really
ugly." If we don't ask you on a date, it is because we are intimidated by
you; don't make us any more nervous or anxious by rushing to be our
"friend" when we like you. 

Finally, if the guy are with is treating you like crap, LEAVE HIM. I know
you don't want to because he is hot, in Beta, and has the "prettiest blue
eyes," but HE IS A SCUM BAG. You need to wake up and see that he is a
jerk. He will not get better. He will not change. We are experts in
empathy (reading people), and know that people, for the most part, do not
change. If he stands you up routinely, yells at you, or cheats on you, he
ALWAYS WILL. Just as he will always do these things, you will always go
back to him. It is like clockwork. He will effectively own you, and treat
you badly, and we will cry for you because of it. Please do yourselves
(and us) a favor, and let him go; don't save this one. I promise you, he
is not THAT cute, and the sex is not THAT good. Nothing is worth getting
hurt, and we nice guys really want to affix our steel-toed boots to their
skinny Abercrombie asses. 

All told, we want nothing more than to show you what a "good" guy is like.
You know, that good guy your girlfriends tell you about. Well newsflash,
ladies WE ARE THOSE "GOOD" GUYS. You are dealing with an untapped resource
of quality date material, and we think we deserve our chance. You can't
deny it; you always tell us how sweet we are, and how "romantic" our ideas
are. Stop trying to hook us up with your peg-legged cousin from Timbuktu,
we are friends with YOU, we want to show YOU the good time we can. 

Unlike Mr. Muscles, we don't like you because your halter top is tight,
and you looked nice under the strobe lights. We know the inner you; we
know everything there is to know about you. Your innermost secrets have
been shared with us. So we don't have the best dance moves and can't bench
250, so what? Who knows you better than us? Who can you trust with
everything? That's right, ladies, us. The Nice Guys. The "boys." This
ultimately leads to the question, what are you doing Saturday night?" 

-Nice Guy

Women cannot complain anymore about men until
they start showing better taste in them. -- Bill Maher
Thanks to Matt